There’s been a lot of inappropriate bathrooming going on around our house lately… and it reminds me that this is really something we’ve been dealing with for as long as I’ve had kids. Please tell me I’m not alone in this.
When Turbo was just a tiny bean, wearing footy pajamas and a sleep sack (one of those cool suits that is like a sleeping bag at the bottom and zips up and has little armholes at the top… oh hell, THIS:
Anyway, when Turbo used to sleep in those, there came a point where I’d go in, expecting to find him peacefully napping. And instead, his crib would look like a scene from a toddler horror film. He’d be sleeping peacefully, NAKED…surrounded by POOP! He would systematically remove his sleep sack, his clothing and his diaper, and then proceed to do God only knows what, resulting in the unmentionable scene I just mentioned above.
To solve this problem, we did several things, all of which he managed to Houdini through at some point:
– Duct tape the diaper on
– zip the feety pajamas up his back instead of up the front
– put the sleep sack on backwards
Anyway, Lunchbox never did any of that. And I thought we were safe.
I was wrong.
It was much later when it started, but now it’s Lunchbox who seems to have a strange sense of humor when it comes to things that belong in the potty.
A classic story around our house is the time when the Major was in a hurry and needed to take a quick shower and get out the door. Lunchbox enjoys a nice hot shower. And he likes to join the Major in there when he’s allowed to. This was not one of those days. That didn’t stop Lunchbox from stripping down to his chubby little butt and darting into the bathroom, only to be told no. He was none too pleased, let me assure you. First he cried, but then he got crafty.
The Major came out of his quick shower to find a naked Lunchbox striding confidently out of his closet, a smug look on his face.
“Why were you in my closet?” the Major asked.
“I pooped in your closet.” Simple. Straight to the point.
“No you didn’t. Tell me you did not. Poop. In. My. Closet.”
“I did, Daddy. I pooped in your closet.”
The Major poked his head inside and turned on the light. And there, strategically placed in the center of the floor was exactly what Lunchbox had told him he’d find.
Commotion and punishment ensued. But later, the Major confided that he felt a surge of pride. I was disgusted.
“Do you know how hard it is to poop on command like that?” the Major asked me. “That’s like performance pooping. I’m so proud.”
I continue to be disgusted.
This has been termed a “revenge poop.” And it was used several more times. Once in Turbo’s closet. I think the days of the revenge poop might be an an end, but now we are entering new territory: the pee of retribution.
Dark times ahead, folks. And lots of carpet cleaning.