Yesterday we signed the final paperwork to sell our house. The house that we poured blood, sweat and tears into for three and a half years, where we had a baby (not literally), and where we went through some very good and some very tough times. And we decided to go to dinner to celebrate. Which, in retrospect, was a bad idea since it seemed that neither Lunchbox nor Turbo had gotten much in the way of rest during the day. Dinner was a bit rough. We were THOSE people — the ones who let their baby scream (in this case so that I could actually get a bit into my mouth… it is actually amazing that I don’t lose weight considering how my children conspire to keep me otherwise occupied during most meals…). Anyway, dinner was delightful, and when we finally got in the car, Lunchbox was in full meltdown mode. He screamed for a few minutes, and then out of nowhere, Turbo started singing to him. His song was quiet, and Lunchbox quieted down to listen. He sang all the way home and though the Major and I were cracking up, Lunchbox sat happily listening to his brother singing him a happy song that went like this:
Lunchbox, Lunchbox… Everyone is your friend.
Lunchbox, Lunchbox… Everyone is your friend.
There was even sort of a tune that doesn’t really convey in this format, and it settled the tiny guy down completely to listen to his big brother paying him such special attention and singing a song that he’d invented just for him.
There are deployments to handle, ridiculous work schedules to contend with when deployment is not on the table, and let’s not forget the ever entertaining moving every coupla years whether you need it or not aspect! I am a very lucky military spouse, in that my hubby hasn’t deployed in a while and we have been in one place for three and a half years (though we’re moving in a month!) But this post is dedicated to all the other MMs out there who don’t have it so easy, and who deal regularly with some of the downfalls of being a military mommy:
1. Doing it all yourself. You came into this marriage happy, bright and maybe the teensiest bit naïve… a crisp military uniform will do that to even the strongest and most practical woman (trust me on that one – I am she.) And you thought to yourself, “we’re in love. We can handle anything.” And then he left. And the crap flew. It is a little known fact that things only go wrong when your husband is deployed or traveling for extended periods. During my hubby’s last extended all-expenses paid trip to the Middle East, every smoke alarm in our house went off at the same time at 2am. That’ll scare the night cream right off yer face, let me assure you!
The military member leaves, and often leaves a family behind. For a long ass mutherfurkin time. And the spouse muddles on, managing a house (and all the glorious chores that go with it – including all the ones HE usually does), kids, a job (sometimes – we’ll get to that one) and more. And that time when you get home from work and the kids are just home from school and everyone needs something and the whole world is melting down but it will be okay soon because your husband will come home to distract the crazy orangutans you call your children? Yeah, he’s not coming. You’re on your own.
2. Being considered lazy. We’ve established that the military mommy can be quite busy, particularly if the hubs is away. And yet there are those who call military spouses lazy because many of us do not work your typical 9-to-5 job, and many of us do not work outside the home at all. Hmm… why would that be? Let’s role-play, shall we?
Interviewer: So, you’re new in town? What brings you to (insert name of military town here)?
MM: My husband is stationed here.
Interviewer: Oh. So you’ll be leaving soon then.
MM: We just arrived. We’ll be here at least two years.
Interviewer: Okay. We’ll let you know.
Yeah. So there’s that.
3. Marriage isn’t easy. And when one of you is away, it’s damned near impossible. In some ways it becomes MUCH easier since you get to do whatever you want, make the decisions that you think are right and comfortably settle into YOUR life. But the difficulty comes when big decisions must be made at a distance. Skype doesn’t really replace the face-to-face, side by side conversations that marriage and parenting often demand to succeed. And when my hubs was gone last time I often didn’t hear from him for weeks at a time. So sometimes I just had to do things on my own without his input. And what happens when your beloved spouse comes back home – into YOUR house, where you have been comfortably doing things YOUR way for however many months he’s been gone? Damn tootin. It blows.
Welcome home, dear! Don’t touch a damned thing!
4. Your kids didn’t sign up for this. I don’t know about your kids, but my three year old and one year old don’t understand much about the passing of time. Turbo knows that two episodes of Dragon Tales last about as long as it takes Mommy to make dinner and that he goes to bed somewhere near the time that the sun begins to set. He doesn’t know what it means when I tell him that Daddy will be home in two weeks, much less two months or one year. Can you imagine telling your three year old that Daddy will be back when he’s FOUR? I haven’t had to go through this (yet), but women all around me do it every day. And I have no idea how.
With older kids, managing the constant moving is a struggle. Being a teenager is tough. Being a teenager who is the new kid in school every other year is even tougher. And these moms get to explain to, cajole and console their kids with every new town, every new school. Sure, in the long run they’ve built enviable life experience, but does a twelve year old really need to think about that yet?
5. Being a Nomad sucks. When you move to a new town every few years, you go through many of the same routines – figuring out where to shop, where to eat, how to get from point A to point B. And you meet your new neighbors. And the new teachers. And all the other spouses stationed in this new place. And after you’ve done it a few times, it isn’t too exciting to have everything be new. In fact, you just start to want for everything to be old. What a luxury it must be to live in the same house for ten years, or to get to know your neighbors really well, or to feel like you can make friends with anyone you want because you won’t have to experience the lurking sorrow of leaving them. The Military Mommy sometimes just doesn’t bother anymore. It’s too hard to get yourself ingrained in a community time and again only to leave. You start to tell people when you first meet them that you are a military spouse and therefore temporary. You might as well just wear a sign or scream, “I’m leaving soon. We can’t really be friends. Don’t get attached.”
And having said all that, I should probably say something like, “But I wouldn’t change it for the world.” And that wouldn’t be true. The fact is that I dream about having a “forever home,” and a place where my kids can live without wondering where we’ll live next. There are those who tell me, “You chose this life.” And all I can do is shake my head because they just don’t understand. I chose a man, and this is the life that came along with him. I wouldn’t give up the man. But the title of “military spouse?” Yeah, I’ll be happy to hang that one up someday.
Step 3: Taking it up a notch. What the huh?? Yeah, exactly.
Whatever you are already doing in terms of exercise — give it the Emeril treatment. BAM! If you’re walking, add one minute intervals of fast (and I mean, hip-swinging, arm-pumping, gasping for breath FAST) walking. If you’re already jogging, add one minute sprints. If you’re already doing squats, add some squat jumps. Pushups? (Good for you, by the way – for some reason, most women seem to believe that they cannot do pushups…) Try a decline pushup (feet up on a box or curb). See where I’m headed with this?
When you don’t have much time to exercise, you need to make the most of the time you DO devote to it. That means BIG movements that use LOTS of muscles because that will burn LOTS more calories. Don’t do a single arm bicep curl. Do a reverse lunge with a double bicep curl as you lower to the bottom of your lunge. Add an overhead press as you come up and switch legs, and you’re pretty much incorporating every muscle in your body. If you do it right, you’ll be out of breath and sweating for the duration of any 20 minute workout you do. If you’re out for a walk, add curb jumps, walking lunges, tricep dips… strength training is critical because it builds muscle, and muscle burns calories much more efficiently than fat. Ready? GO!
As you can imagine, The Major and I are discussing many important issues right now, as we prepare for an upcoming move and the potential sale of our house. Military moves are a special breed, and I’ll offer more insight on that at another time (gathering tidbits as we head through this one…) I thought I’d give you a glimpse into one of the critical pre-move email conversations we had this morning:
Me: Hey: The moving company is coming tomorrow to do a walk through survey so they’ll know what kind of boxes to bring, how much stuff we have, etc. Can you walk me through tonight to make sure that I will tell them correctly which stuff they are responsible for versus what we’re doing?
The Major: Yeppers. We need to identify the pro gear as well (yours and mine) and make sure they are aware of the requirement to ID each of ours respectively. Plus we will need more cookies to make this happen, so that is your job. FK and stinky giraffes are marinating as we speak. (FK is Turbo’s nasty lovie blanket, and the stinky giraffes are a small gang of animals that live in Lunchbox’s crib. This morning I noticed that they are particularly rancid and requested that the Major quarantine them all in the hot wash after I took the guys to school.)
Me: Excellent. Cookies will not be forthcoming. That is not on my agenda today, sorry.
The Major: Fix it.
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As you can see, The Major is singlehandedly trying to ensure that I am unsuccessful in any efforts at not eating crap.
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